1
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you
get such a great bike?
"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
2
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
[dramatic pause]
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
4
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several
years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
5
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of
the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste
pipeline through a recreational area?"
7
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
8
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend
time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery
he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
done."
9
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that
I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool."
